- looking at a squirrel running on an electricity wire while driving beneath it
- technology that makes your life easier
- a good tea
- your best friend
- your baby's smile
- finishing a day at work
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Monday, 3 September 2012
I had a dream
I had a dream last night. I had a dream that I was excited. I haven't felt that way for who knows how long now. It was one of the best experiences I ever had, since my heart was pounding, I was running everywhere, I was happy, I was moving, I was challenged, I was believed in, I finally found a purpose, something that made me feel alive. One of my teachers was encouraging us to write and I started it and couldn't stop my mind as it was creating beautiful sentences that I couldn't wait to put down on paper. I was rather strange.
The point is that I woke up. My husband woke me up for some reason. And reality hit again, and it was worse than the night before because this time I had tasted the life, the passion I once felt for things. It wasn't just a memory, something I was idealising and longing for, it was real and now. Of course, in the dream I was hanging out with my usual dream characters: my high school friends, but it was me, and I was putting into writing the spiritual journey I went through so far. The interesting thing was that it was new, what excited me was a new thing, it wasn't something I ever saw myself doing but it was like the best fit for me and it was writing. Now, I don't know how much of that is a prophecy, something I should explore, as when I wake up my barriers and preconceptions play a bigger role, but I am actually here writing on a blog I neglected for too long. But I had nothing exciting to write, while now it feels like there is something sparkling inside me. What is it that I should do? What is it that I could do? Options as well as possibilities are endless but yet I feel so stuck, longing to find what makes me thrive and blossom and living in a soul hell. It's like living in two bodies, two minds, two souls. One of them is thankful for Bella, the baby daughter that filled my selfish heart with love and is changing me every day, she gives me light, hope, love and a purpose. I adore her. She is no doubt the best thing ever happened to me, and it's amazing to realise that she is here, sleeping, and hopefully wake me up tomorrow morning with the cutest and sweetest smile I have ever seen. So it's not that I would change anything. I had to give all my dreams, plans to make space for her, which was a painful experience. But in the selfish Francesca that I still see glimpses of there was no space for love, nevermind for another human being, forget a daughter. So I had to make space. But I made so much unselective space, i threw it all out, I had to be quick so I couldn't tidy things, put them into boxes for future reference, no. It went all to the trash. My hobbies, my passions, my interests, my past work, my studies. Everything. I am like a blank page. As if all that I did was pointless, not really me, since I ask myself: if they were the things for me would have they not lasted? Who knows. But, again, the point is also that I did have this dream. My soul is still able to get excited, I just need to find the key to unlock it. I imprisoned it. Where are you key, what do you look like? May be you passed my way thousands of times and I just missed you since I couldn't recognise you. I'm waiting. I'm getting restless, I know there is more for me somewhere. I know that my next step is out there, I know that the job that would make me happy to leave-my-daughter-at-day-care-for is round the corner. Or is it? I wish I had the answer. And in this it feels like my normal old self all over again. Always wishing to have the answer while I learnt really only when I didn't have one, as my soul was actually searching. So I'm searching. And I feel almost free to do so.
My biggest opponent, my worst enemy, the only thing that is really stopping me from trying, exploring, living is MY self. It's not even Bella. I mean, the idea of leaving her in day care (see the language I'm using is already biased..) hurts me. I want to be there for her, always. I assume that she needs me, but I think it's more of a mutual thing. I need her too. I'm scared to let her go as that would make me face my real loneliness, my real emptiness, the fact that I am nothing but a mother right now. Or is that actually ENOUGH? Would it help to just learn to BE?
But I did have a dream where I was excited and that light, that thought, that feeling is stuck in my head and won't give me peace, it's giving me hope. And I can only keep actively waiting.
The point is that I woke up. My husband woke me up for some reason. And reality hit again, and it was worse than the night before because this time I had tasted the life, the passion I once felt for things. It wasn't just a memory, something I was idealising and longing for, it was real and now. Of course, in the dream I was hanging out with my usual dream characters: my high school friends, but it was me, and I was putting into writing the spiritual journey I went through so far. The interesting thing was that it was new, what excited me was a new thing, it wasn't something I ever saw myself doing but it was like the best fit for me and it was writing. Now, I don't know how much of that is a prophecy, something I should explore, as when I wake up my barriers and preconceptions play a bigger role, but I am actually here writing on a blog I neglected for too long. But I had nothing exciting to write, while now it feels like there is something sparkling inside me. What is it that I should do? What is it that I could do? Options as well as possibilities are endless but yet I feel so stuck, longing to find what makes me thrive and blossom and living in a soul hell. It's like living in two bodies, two minds, two souls. One of them is thankful for Bella, the baby daughter that filled my selfish heart with love and is changing me every day, she gives me light, hope, love and a purpose. I adore her. She is no doubt the best thing ever happened to me, and it's amazing to realise that she is here, sleeping, and hopefully wake me up tomorrow morning with the cutest and sweetest smile I have ever seen. So it's not that I would change anything. I had to give all my dreams, plans to make space for her, which was a painful experience. But in the selfish Francesca that I still see glimpses of there was no space for love, nevermind for another human being, forget a daughter. So I had to make space. But I made so much unselective space, i threw it all out, I had to be quick so I couldn't tidy things, put them into boxes for future reference, no. It went all to the trash. My hobbies, my passions, my interests, my past work, my studies. Everything. I am like a blank page. As if all that I did was pointless, not really me, since I ask myself: if they were the things for me would have they not lasted? Who knows. But, again, the point is also that I did have this dream. My soul is still able to get excited, I just need to find the key to unlock it. I imprisoned it. Where are you key, what do you look like? May be you passed my way thousands of times and I just missed you since I couldn't recognise you. I'm waiting. I'm getting restless, I know there is more for me somewhere. I know that my next step is out there, I know that the job that would make me happy to leave-my-daughter-at-day-care-for is round the corner. Or is it? I wish I had the answer. And in this it feels like my normal old self all over again. Always wishing to have the answer while I learnt really only when I didn't have one, as my soul was actually searching. So I'm searching. And I feel almost free to do so.
My biggest opponent, my worst enemy, the only thing that is really stopping me from trying, exploring, living is MY self. It's not even Bella. I mean, the idea of leaving her in day care (see the language I'm using is already biased..) hurts me. I want to be there for her, always. I assume that she needs me, but I think it's more of a mutual thing. I need her too. I'm scared to let her go as that would make me face my real loneliness, my real emptiness, the fact that I am nothing but a mother right now. Or is that actually ENOUGH? Would it help to just learn to BE?
But I did have a dream where I was excited and that light, that thought, that feeling is stuck in my head and won't give me peace, it's giving me hope. And I can only keep actively waiting.
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